Wednesday, October 3, 2012

We Are the 75%ers

There's a lot of hubbub and ballywho around percentages lately.  The 99%ers who will never achieve super richdom.  The 47% who will never register in Mitt Romney's scope of interest.  But mums the word on the 75% of women who will never achieve vaginal orgasm.  Okay.  It is, admittedly, a bit of a buzzkill.  But the fact that a considerable majority of the fairer sex isn't achieving orgasm as easily as the unfairer sex is...well...un-friggin-fair.

So.  If YOU aren't part of the 75%, and your best-friend who insists on recounting her mind-numbing sexual exploits to you every Sunday over mimosas and egg white omelets isn't part of the 75%, and your upstairs neighbor Brad-the-Bastard-Bachelor's freak of the week booty calls definitely don't sound like they are part of the 75%...who is?  Do the statistics lie or do we?  I challenge you to conduct a sexy survey, and ask the men in your life if they've ever had a woman "fake it" with them.  I dare to guess that more than 25% of them will say "no".  Poor gullible chaps.  They just don't know.  Or they just don't care.  The real question is, do we?

In this 50 Shades of Sex & the City society, it certainly doesn't seem like sexual serenity is a problem for American women.  When's the last time you saw a romantic comedy's climactic sex scene end in anti-climax?  How often did we see Carrie, Charlotte, Miranda, or Samantha's oh, oh, oh's turn into...meh?  Do we tolerate the promulgation of this sexual propaganda for the sake of fantasy?  Or do we just wanna believe that at least some girls really do get to have all that fun?  Whatever the reason, I'm putting the kabosh on the, "oh, oh, oh my gosh!"  I'm going, "look ma, no hands!"  I'm talkin', "bring out the lie detector, Maury" because my days of FAKIN' IT are finito!  In the next 365 days I'm going to do something I haven't done in 35 years...have a hands-free, toy-free, guilt-free vaginal orgasm.  I don't care what it takes.  If I gotta change my diet, my man, or my mind, I will not stop 'til I get enough!

If you're part of the 75%ers, take this challenge with me.  Send me your tricks and revelations as you walk the sexual road less traveled to happy destiny.  I'm doing this for the 75% !!!  Wait.  No.  That's a giant effin' lie.  And this is now a no-lie zone.  I'm doing this for me.  I'm doing this because I've given many men mind-blowing, eyes-rolling, body-shaking, earthquaking orgasms when all they've given me was a sore throat and a headache.  Except, of course, the Bartender.  It wasn't the big-O with the Bartender, but he got O so close.  I'm talkin' L, M, N, and P close.  And if you can figure out what that stands for, you will appreciate just how close I'm talkin'.  But whether it's the uncommon size and sexual stamina of the Bartender, or the tender loving caress of my ex-fiance whom I lovingly refer to as the lost-Cosby-kid, I know it's not about the man.  I don't yet know what it is about, exactly.  But, dammit, I'm gonna find out.

And if my mom is reading wasn't that "many men".

Okay. From this point forward, this is a no-lie zone.

Dr. Lainey Toussaint
(I'm not a doctor, but soon to play one on TV)

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