Friday, October 5, 2012

For Bestie or for Worse

My best friend, Karina, can have multiple orgasms when the ceiling fan blows her the right way.  As for me, the closest thing I’ve had to multiples involved two guys named Ben and Jerry, and lemme tell ya, there was a lotta spooning going on.  I hate to admit it, but there is a little bit of clitoral competition between Karina and me.  What I hate to admit even more is that I’m losing.

Karina knows nothing of the depths of my passion pitfalls.  She’s been my bestie since we were in diapers and probably will be until Shady Acres puts us back in them.  But, adult incontinence notwithstanding, not even our airtight friendship can protect against my secret getting leaked.  What would happen to my practice if it got out that I can’t do for myself the very thing I help my patients do to themselves – and to others?  But it’s not just about protecting my professional reputation.  I fear that what I’m really protecting is my ego.  Am I breaking the vows of best friendship by not loving all the notches on Karina’s no-chastity belt?

If Karina knew I couldn’t have orgasms, everybody would know, because Karina has a big mouth, which she uses in a myriad of ways with a merry-go-round of sexual partners.  And, like any good best friend (especially the bestie of a sex therapist), Karina can’t stop herself from telling me all about her sexual exploits.  And I wish she would. Stop herself.

Karina: “Ooh, Lainey, remember that guy…you know…the one with the foot fetish and the rent controlled apartment in Weho?”

Me: “No.” (I totally remember)

Karina: “Well. I didn’t remember him either until I saw him at the Sports Club yesterday. Then I remembered him six times back at his place!”


Karina: “Ooh, Lainey, did I tell you about that bi-curious hand model I met at the Ralph’s on Ventura and Alcove in Studio City?”

Me: “No.” (She totally did)

Karina: “Well, she ain’t curious anymore!  I bought her some Palmolive and killed that kitty all weekend long.  That stuff softens hands while you do a lot more than dishes!”

Is Karina over-sharing, or am I just over-sensitive because, no matter how soft the hands are, my kitty’s still curious?  I don’t like keeping things from my bestie, but I also don’t like competing in a game I haven’t figured out how to win.  So, what do you think, girls?  When it comes to comparing coital conquests, do you say, “I do” or don’t you?

Dr. Lainey Toussaint
(I'm not a doctor, but soon to play one on TV)

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